Balancing Belonging With Self-Acceptance
'Difference is the essence of humanity' John Hume
At a psychology conference recently, a recurring theme discussed by presenters and attendees alike was the desire to find groups in which we belong. You might think a group of psychologists and coaches would have overcome their desire to be accepted and find belonging but alas, we remain as human as everyone else. And the search for acceptance and belonging is as human as it gets.
I could empathise with the discussions, but my feeling was that they were misplaced. All that effort trying to fit in and be understood is a great expenditure of energy in a world in which your focus and passion could be used in better ways. As I have written before, authenticity is difficult. The reality is society would like you to fit in a box. When you decide you want a bigger box or to break the mold in some way, your sense of belonging can be diminished. This is the trade-off of authenticity. Part of living a more authentic purpose-driven life is to make friends with that discomfort. The alternative is to spend a lot of time trying to find people who will bring a sense of comfort or confirmation to your work, life or choices.
Practically speaking, fit in our modern world is becoming more elusive. As the world evolves and changes, our notion of fit and belonging needs an update. The simplicity of community based on work, interests or geography is no longer the reality of modern life. Sticking to groups of people we know, small communities close to our home, people with lives like the life we are choosing is becoming a thing of the past. As we evolve as a global community, does our understanding of what it means to belong need to evolve also?
Friction is as important as fitting in
My friend’s husband likes to describe me as chameleon-esque. I am as comfortable in the boardroom as I am in a Buddhist temple. You are as likely to find me discussing commerce as consciousness. As interested in politics as I am in psychology. It also means I am less likely to find ‘fit’ in one group, one industry, one role. Accepting this about myself is something I have personally had to work on. I want that easy feeling of belonging as much as the next person. But I value my authenticity, my interests and the integrity of my work more. This has challenged me to reconsider what it means to belong. To become solid enough in myself and my expanded identity that I care less about belonging and accept myself more.
Being in community with people who love you and accept you is a part of the good life. But it is also important to have the capacity to be in communion with people who don’t necessarily get you either. In relationships, friction is as important as fit for nurturing authenticity. I do my best growing and reflecting through my relationships with others; when what I need or believe knocks off what they need or believe. When this happens, I have to move more slowly, reflect, ask myself questions about who I am and how I showed up in a situation. I get the greatest insights into myself and my blind spots in these moments of friction. Moments of conflict or a disagreement can mirror back to me what I can’t see about myself. If I am constantly fitting in, there is less friction and, in less friction, less awareness. With less awareness, less opportunity for growth.
Authenticity is not strengthened in belonging but in challenge. We are not always simply seeking belonging, rather we are running from people so determined to confirm their own identity that they must criticise or question ours. Real authenticity is about developing your capacity to stand in and strengthen who you are even when surrounded by people who want to question that.
Without self-acceptance, our search for belonging can become misguided. We can seek acceptance and belonging to the extent it clouds our judgement. If craving belonging, we are less likely to question the status quo, less likely to stand tall in what we believe, more likely to temper our propensity to voice an opinion. It is difficult to be contrarian or do great work if you care too much about whether other people will accept you or not.
The big questions of our time need big solutions. Our collective problems mean we stand in a moment when we need more people to stick out rather than fit in. Greater self-acceptance gifts you strength and clarity around who you are, leaving you better placed to make the right choices, have nuanced views and not just fall into the trap of agreeing because you want to be in the gang. It situates the locus of control inside you. It is from this place of self-knowledge and acceptance you will make purpose-driven choices and do your best work in the world.
This resonates greatly, Fiona.