Why This #1 Thing Was Vital on My Path to Purpose

In October, I spent a weekend on a retreat focused on the female nervous system. Over the course of the weekend, we used yoga and embodiment practices, breathwork and neurosensory exercises to release stress, trauma and bring our nervous systems into greater regulation. As the practices took hold and I began to decompress, I was struck—once again—by how unsuitable our modern society is for the human nervous system, and how committed we seem to be to ignoring that reality.

If you had asked me ten years ago about my nervous system, I would have looked at you blankly. Sure, I was a runner, went to the gym and had an irregular yoga practice; all the things that we tell people to do to care for their physical and mental health. But I was living life from the neck up, moving at speed, disconnected from my body, my nervous system, and all the wisdom it had to offer. It is only looking back I realise how dysregulated my nervous system was. Being honest, it would take a dysregulated nervous system to tolerate the pace I was living at.

There is no doubt society is moving faster. Some suggest we must adapt and sustain that speed. I disagree. I have yet to meet anyone who desires more speed, but I meet many many people who crave more stillness. To survive and thrive, we need to slow down. Without bringing greater intentionality to how we live, we will continue to move at a speed not intended for us. A speed which takes us further and further away from who we are and the connection to Self, community and the world around us which we all deeply crave. 

When we live life at a frazzled pace, we can appear to be winning at life. Succeeding at maintaining the speed modern society demands of us. But at what cost? Speed leaves us vulnerable. In acute cases, vulnerable to burnout and at the chronic end, vulnerable to participating in a life we do not want. At speed, we get caught up in the wave of what society thinks we should be doing rather than what we want to do. Alongside the exhaustion is disconnection. AI, technology and machines can move at any speed they want because they are not designed to feel. Humans, however, are designed to feel and be connected - and true connection can never happen at speed.

At the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs lies the need for safety. When we don’t feel safe, we seek it out. We move at speed because it feels safer. We ‘action’ our anxiety believing if we keep moving - maintaining momentum - that everything will be fine or, at least, feel fine. We buy into the achievement economy, one in which the only way to be safe is to do more or achieve more.  We believe we will eventually feel safe enough to slow down and focus on the things we really want. In the achievement economy, this day never arrives. Nervous system regulation is about rewiring ourselves to understand it is safe to live life at a more suitable pace. The truth is you don’t need to be more productive to feel safe, you need to be more rested and regulated.

Speed keeps us distracted from life beyond ourselves. When our nervous systems are activated, our primary concern is safety. And when our primary concern is safety, we are more self-focused. We work hard to protect ourselves in the world as it is. But when we heal our nervous system, we regain the capacity to look outwards and when we do, we see clearly we should not want the world to be exactly as it is. With a regulated nervous system, the dysregulation of the world is laid bare. It becomes impossible to ignore the glaring societal dynamics; all the places where the emperor has no clothes. When we are regulated, we are resourced enough to recognise that it is the bigger picture that needs to change.

The secret sauce to living purposefully, walking a path of self-actualisation or spiritual growth—whatever you choose to call it—is courage. Courage allows you to act in ways that often differ from the status quo. With a dysregulated system, we find it harder to hold the uncertainty of that choice, harder to deal with criticism, and harder to make decisions that serve your life rather than simply help you fit in. To make purpose-driven decisions, we must expand our system’s capacity to hold fear and uncertainty. Being capable of courage means we have built the capacity to choose growth over safety. Your presence, your leadership, your sense of purpose, and your connection to life can only be as solid as your nervous system.

I have become more conscious of my nervous system in recent years, investing a lot of time and effort to heal it. Working with embodiment practices, time in nature and creating space in my life has helped teach my system it is safe to slow down and be more present in my life. This is not easy work  — it takes time and patience. None of this is made easier by the reality that, while you’re teaching your system it is safe to slow down or stop, the outside world continues to spin faster.

It is very difficult to maintain a regulated nervous system in a dysregulated world.

Luxuriate in rest like a Leopard

There were many times I wished this process of healing and regulation could be faster—an oxymoron, if ever there was one. The whole point is that it isn’t fast. I had to move at the pace my nervous system could handle. During this period, I felt more vulnerable, less solid on my feet—like a freshly hatched chick. I had an increased desire for solitude and to protect myself. Some of my natural confidence was tempered for a while. In 2022, post-COVID, I even felt I retreated again for a time. The path of healing is anything but linear.

Slowly, in 2023, a new level of readiness started to descend over me. I could be in the world in a better way. By replacing speed with intention, I am more mindful and focused on what makes my life and work most impactful. Short-term productivity has been replaced with long-term plans. My nervous system trusts the power of pace now. I trust the time it takes to make meaningful endeavours real. Would it have been nice for that process to move at a quicker pace? Yes, absolutely. But healing your nervous system and keeping it regulated takes time. If you allow this process and learn to keep yourself regulated and resourced, you will have the rest of your life to become the most purposeful version of yourself.

What was interesting about the timing of the retreat was I was exiting a busy period. As life had fallen, I had spent most of September travelling due to work commitments, a conference and a weekend away with friends. All great things, but too much all together. When I travel, I naturally find it harder to maintain some of the habits and props I use to maintain a regulated nervous system. I exercise less, spend less time in nature and have less solo time in my diary. For convenience, I was drinking coffee rather than my usual cacao in the mornings. If I am honest, I thought I would get away with it for a few weeks. Turns out, I was wrong. By the time I went on retreat, I was exhausted. That’s the other thing about a healed nervous system —it doesn’t put up with your bullshit. These days, my body shouts at me when I don’t play life by its rules. It won’t allow me to get pulled back into the vortex of living at speed.

What I know for sure is that healing your nervous system is powerful work. With a regulated nervous system, you are at your most powerful, connected to yourself, your intuition and your ability to make better choices. At the end of the retreat, my share with the other women was my realisation that the rise of the feminine (and the healthy masculine, for that matter) is on the far side of a healed and regulated nervous system. That weekend confirmed to me the most effective tool I have discovered to live and lead with purpose is a regulated nervous system.